Now that I have passed on to the great beyond and possess otherworldly superpowers, I have written my own obituary.
I passed away peacefully in my sleep, in the early hours of November 7, 2015. I will be remembered mostly for my barking, my big body on skinny legs (I am NOT a Whippet, for God’s sake), and barking. I enjoyed warm places to sleep, food, and incessantly warning my humans of their impending doom, by barking. I was named for famous television personality Bob Barker. Even though I never met him, I heard he is very fertile – much more than me – particularly since the whole neutering thing happened (thanks a lot for that, by the way). The humans called me Bobby, except when they were too tired or lazy to say the whole thing, and then it was just Bob.
I was preceded in death by the mean/bitchy meow-thing (Penny), wussy/boring meow-thing (Critter), teeny/frail meow-thing (Sally), and nice/weirdo meow-thing (Harriman). To all of my long-gone frenemies, it makes me very happy to know that I outlived you all. That fact puts a smile on my face, and now that I am once again fully-abled, a happy wag to my tail. My smile is even better now that I have all of my teeth back. Wherever it is that we all are right now, please don’t look me up.
To the surviving red menace, The Ginger, the orange meow-thing, I say sayonara and good riddance, even though you didn’t completely suck. I forgive you for all of the times you randomly bitch-slapped me for no reason other than I was a dog. I forgive you for all of the times you entered my bubble and tried to snuggle with me. It was terrible. And ok. Sometimes. Not really. Most of all, I ask that you take care of the humans now that I am gone. I can no longer bark at things on their behalf, and you seem to have their confidence. I know you are worthless because you cannot bark, but the least you can do is to grimace menacingly at things with your snotty, mangled, deformed face. It just might be scary enough to ward off evil. It’s all on you now. Soldier on, you disgusting beast.
To my humans, I say thanks for giving me a good life, enough to eat, a soft place to lie down, and a forum to do what I did best: Bark. I’m sorry for all of times I pooped on your floor, pissed on your rug, or inconveniently barfed on something that you value. I understand why sometimes you had to yell at me, and there are no hard feelings. You handled all of that with incomparable grace, and I thank you.
To Young The He, thank you for being exceedingly kind and nice to me. I knew you less time than the others, but in our almost 13 years together, I grew quite fond of you. I liked how you talked nice to me and petted me, even though I know you like the orange meow-thing a little bit more than me, for reasons I’ll never completely fathom. You are a sweet, kind boy. I will miss seeing who you will grow up to be, but whoever that is, I know you will be extraordinary.
To Older The He, I knew you my whole life. You were only 4 when we met. You were a little, blond touslely-haired thingy, and now you are a big hairy thingy. I’m sorry I was never much for fetching the ball, but I appreciate you playing with me nonetheless. I loved all the naps we took together, especially when we were both little. I have watched you grow up to be a fine, decent, kind young man. I know my leaving is hard for you, but both of us are going to be ok. I’m very proud of you. You are at the beginning of an amazing adventure. Go out and be great.
To Other The He, I know you loved me even though you were frequently crabby with me. Thanks for paying for all of the things. Thanks for putting food in my bowl. Thanks for loving my people and taking good care of them. Thanks for doing your best to help me here at the end when I was a hot mess. And that time at the PetSmart when I unloaded a quart of Bob’s Finest on your favorite pair of Sebagos? Do you remember that time? I do, and I would totally do that again if I had another chance. That was the best. What a great day. May you live a long life with dry shoes, mon frère.
To The She, I don’t know where to start. We have been constant companions for 17 years. You let me follow you from room-to-room for all of that time. I’m sure it was annoying sometimes, but you never once complained. You let me sit next to you wherever you were, even when I smelled very bad because I snacked from the meow-thing box. You always talked nice to me, always put a blanket on me (we both get cold, don’t we?), even when I was a pain-in-the-ass, or put my bodily fluids on something, or was just inconvenient. I never felt more loved than when I was with you. You were my whole world. Thanks for being my person. I know this is all very hard for you, and that you are terribly sad, but don’t be that way for too long. You gave me a great life, and that is what you should be thinking about. I love you.
To everyone else, thanks for letting me bark at you so hard and so loud and so long that I nearly passed out. I cherish those memories. If I was annoying, I’m sorry not sorry. If I pooped on or near you, or peed, or barfed in your general vicinity, I’m actually am really sorry. These things happen. Thanks for understanding.
I guess that’s it. It was a good ride. Thanks for all of it.
Always be good to one another, and Bark On.